starting out

i used to write a lot.

Writing for me has always been my way of being honest with myself; telling myself exactly what it is, how it is, why it is. I don't exactly know where this initial post is leading to, but what I hope to come out from all of this is for me to be in better terms with myself.

See, I used to cheat on myself a lot. Move events around my head so they could fit my world the way I'd want them to be, people to be, you to be. Most of the time, especially back then, and sometimes in the present, I cheat on myself-this is obviously a work in progress. 

Although I know that this is something I'd probably be working on for the rest of my life, I do hope for at least one thing-my writing-to improve itself over time. Hopefully, with enough novel phrases coming out of my lips, oozing out of my fingertips, that it'll sort itself out eventually and help get myself to something good one day. Whatever that 'good' may be.

My previous proses were mostly composed of short-lived love stories. Some of them were wrapped with sour truths. Some bitter stories of my previous lovers, myself; my inhibitions and their ghosts that kept me awake through the dead of the night. 

I still struggle to overcome some of them even though all of these dalliances happened more than a couple of years ago. Like dancing, even though I know I've been thought how to do it before, I'm not exactly too sure if I'm happy to do it again. My knees are too sore, my feet, bruised and tired.

In retrospect, this year has been a good year so far. Aside from that night I dislocated my knee from falling down three flights of stairs, this year has taught me a lot of things:

I've learnt that in the worst of times, my deus ex machina, more precisely, my mum, has always been there in times of need. I've learnt not to have too much sex; not to indulge myself with pleasure. I became more aware of the people around me; the relationships I've earned over the years, the people I've shared food and laughed with.

And ultimately, I learnt-as sappy as this may sound-to believe in myself. I don't exactly know at what point this happened-actually I do. It was a couple of nights after I turned twenty-two. I taught myself how to bring down the walls that used to choke me. Like a child intoxicated with optimism, I'm teaching myself, I'm helping myself achieve the things I'd want to be in life. Although these things aren't as clear to me that way my reflections are, what I'm doing so far-helping others-has taught me to be a better person.

To be honest, I'm not too sure nor do I know where this is leading to-for now; however, I do know one thing, and that is I'm enjoying myself while I'm trying to figure this all out.

For now, men won't be the tag-line for most of these stories. This time, its for people like you. For people who talk the talk and walk the walk. Maybe not people like you, but I hope you enjoy the ride anyway.

We'll see. Maybe this ride will take longer than usual.